Recovering from an Imperfect Understanding of Perfect
“Christ was so amazing!” I exclaimed to my younger brother, when I was around the age of 10, “Jesus never swore, always taught the truth, helped others, he was just PERFECT!”
I continued, “Can you imagine that, perfect. That means he never got an answer wrong on a test at school. If he played basketball, he never missed a shot. If he used a bow to shoot an arrow, he always hit the bulls-eye! Wow, he was amazing. What’s it like to be so PERFECT?”
My younger brother was impressed, but unable to point out my flawed understanding of perfect. Years later, he lovingly tried to explain to me that my knowledge of the word perfect was wrong.
While I’d begun to recognize that my understanding of Christ’s perfection was incorrect, I still had lingering misunderstandings about perfection. As an adult, I still struggle with a distorted understanding of perfection. I feel that Christ could live a perfect life, but I’d done so many things wrong. It seems impossible to obey the Lord’s command to “be ye therefore perfect.”
To further illustrate my tainted thinking, I believed perfect meant flawless and that I needed to be flawless. To help myself feel flawless, I tried to convince myself that I’d never messed up, I’d lived perfectly, or flawlessly. To feel more perfect, I tried to convince myself that some of the things I’ve done wrong weren’t actually wrong. Also, when I’ve hurt someone, I’ve tried to justify it by saying, that they deserved it or that it was their own fault, not mine.
Becoming Fully Developed
Obviously, I struggle with perfectionist tendencies and therefore feel an intense drive to be flawless. After decades of struggle, I began to question what perfect actually meant. A dictionary led me to a breakthrough. It began with the words “finished”, or “complete” to describe perfect. I then found that in Greek, perfect means, “to become fully developed.” At that point, my understanding about being perfect began to become more clear. Life isn’t about living without ever missing a shot, without ever messing up, without ever hurting someone. Life is about becoming. Life’s about becoming fully developed. Most important, while we’re becoming fully developed, we will miss shots, mess up, and even hurt others.
My life’s goal needs to stop focusing on being flawless or never making a mistake. If my goal was to never miss an answer on a test or never miss a basketball shot, I was histarically far from perfect! I began to change my goal from being flawless—to becoming fully developed.
With the new description, I’ve gained a visual image of becoming perfect. Perfection is like my grandma Veibell with her Polaroid camera. At my baptism, her magical Polaroid camera took my picture and slowly pushed out a special filmed paper. I then watched eagerly, and even fanned it as my image began to appear. I waited anxiously until it was fully developed.
I loved to watch grandma’s photographs develop. As I watched a photo develop, there were times I felt it was fully developed and my much more experienced Grandma would say, “It’s getting closer.” Finally, when I seem to have given up on it, it was fully developed—it was perfect! (If you’ve not seen a Polaroid photograph developing, you may enjoy watching this https://youtu.be/8JbPF79KtYE.) As a child, watching Grandma’s Polaroid photos developing was truly an amazing magical experience.
Christ Becomes Perfect
Even Christ wasn’t perfect (fully developed) until he’d risen to His Father in Heaven. In the New Testament he tells the people to “Be ye therefore perfect...as your Father in Heaven” (Matthew 5:48). In the Americas, after his resurrection, he stated, “Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect” (3 Nephi 12:48).
I love how Christ states it in third Nephi. If I can insert the Greek for further clarification, it would say, “Therefore I would that ye should become fully developed even as I, or your Father who is in heaven has become fully developed.” Please forgive me for changing the scriptures, but this helps me to better understand what I feel is the Savior’s intent.
With a better understanding of my need to be perfect (fully developed), I began to see myself more clearly. I could begin to face my own sins and weaknesses. After recognizing and admitting my sins, flaws, and mistakes, I began to think more about repentance.
Recognizing My Sins:
With my toxic perfectionism, I had tried to convince myself that repentance was only for those other “evil” people who had “sinned.” The Bible dictionary corrects another flawed thought of mine, “repentance is not optional for salvation; it is a commandment of God.” Because I tried so hard to convince myself that my mistakes and sins were because of others or not really mine, thinking of myself as a one who sins, and one who’s in need of repentance, has taken a lot of time and inner struggle.
Now, I’m recognizing my sins and my need to repent. As I see my need to repent, the Bible dictionary adds comfort, “The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.”
As a perfectionist, I feel comfort in that quote. I’m beginning to do something right, I’m beginning to change my mind, beginning to recognize my sins, I’m seeing people more as they truly are (not blaming them for my mistakes). Most importantly I’m recognizing the need of the Savior in my life.
Repenting:
Now that I recognize my need for repentance, how do I repent? As a child, I saw it as a list. Here’s my understanding of what I was taught:
A Struggle—It Takes Time
As a perfectionist considers these steps, I think to myself, “I can take these simple four steps and then go on living an unflawed life.” As I actually attempt to repent, using this 4-step process, I’m noticing that some of my sins have become part of my life. It’s almost like they’ve intertwined themselves so deeply into my being, that I can’t seem to pull them out.
An Example
While there are many examples of this in my life, I’ll share one example that others have probably seen very clearly in me. When I fear angry comments or hurtful words are pointed at me, I often strike back with anger and use my powerful skill for spouting hurtful words with precision. These can be very painful and are designed to strike a blow with finality. These angry & hurtful words spew forth naturally and quickly (like vomit) especially when I’m hungry or tired. I hate to say this, but this flaw has almost become who I am.
Back to the 4-step process, even after resolving to never do it again, I’ve repeated the same mistakes over and over again. It’s almost like these reactions are me. How do I ever reach the point that I can remove them from my habitually skilled brain?
To make matters worse, this is just one example of my many sins which have found their way inside of me. Some of my sins are nearly as habitual as brushing my teeth (I always begin on the same side of the mouth and don’t even think about). I hardly even think about these habitual sins, they just happen. Perhaps the Bible dictionary explains my need for Christ’s atonement best, as it states, “man loses control over his own will and becomes the slave of sin.”
The need for a surgeon
The way to overcome my sins requires help. Like a cancer that has entwined itself within an organ takes a very skilled surgeon to remove the offending illness, these sins that have become part of who I am, requires the surgical skills of my Savior. He alone can remove these from me. As I turn my will to his and trust him, he will help me and remove them from me. So far, as the Savior has been working His miracles, I’m seeing slow progress. Sometimes I relapse and turn like a dog to my vomit. I know that Christ can heal me. I believe that he is healing me and helping me become fully developed.
Keep Turning
As I’m approaching half-a-century of life, I’ve probably lived most of my life—and I’m still struggling to get away from sin’s grasp. I need the enabling power of Christ’s atonement. I also need to keep turning to Him. I must also do all that I can, such as noticing when I’m getting hungry and eat before I say mean things. I need to always keep vigil, as a guard on a tower, watching for a situation arising where I might say hurtful words and control myself before voicing my vicious vomit.
For those who know me, it’s clear that I’m still sinning regularly. My flaws are obvious. It’s painful each time I hear great leaders who encourage us to ask our spouse, or others who are close to us, to share things we’re needing to improve upon. This is difficult for me because I already see so many of my own weaknesses that I don’t feel I can bare to learn of more. Hopefully the day will come when I’ve made such great progress that I need others to point out additional weaknesses that I’m not yet aware of.
As I work through this, with the Savior’s help, I also am noticing the importance of time. It took years to entwine some of these sins into my life and they have been there for decades. It may also take years to remove these sins and re-train myself to act and react differently. The key is the Savior is helping me and he will help me become fully developed, as I keep repenting and turning to him. He truly stands at the door and knocks and as I keep opening to Him, He helps me. His plan continues in my life and He will help me (if I allow him) to make me fully developed—perfect.
I continued, “Can you imagine that, perfect. That means he never got an answer wrong on a test at school. If he played basketball, he never missed a shot. If he used a bow to shoot an arrow, he always hit the bulls-eye! Wow, he was amazing. What’s it like to be so PERFECT?”
My younger brother was impressed, but unable to point out my flawed understanding of perfect. Years later, he lovingly tried to explain to me that my knowledge of the word perfect was wrong.
While I’d begun to recognize that my understanding of Christ’s perfection was incorrect, I still had lingering misunderstandings about perfection. As an adult, I still struggle with a distorted understanding of perfection. I feel that Christ could live a perfect life, but I’d done so many things wrong. It seems impossible to obey the Lord’s command to “be ye therefore perfect.”
To further illustrate my tainted thinking, I believed perfect meant flawless and that I needed to be flawless. To help myself feel flawless, I tried to convince myself that I’d never messed up, I’d lived perfectly, or flawlessly. To feel more perfect, I tried to convince myself that some of the things I’ve done wrong weren’t actually wrong. Also, when I’ve hurt someone, I’ve tried to justify it by saying, that they deserved it or that it was their own fault, not mine.
Becoming Fully Developed
Obviously, I struggle with perfectionist tendencies and therefore feel an intense drive to be flawless. After decades of struggle, I began to question what perfect actually meant. A dictionary led me to a breakthrough. It began with the words “finished”, or “complete” to describe perfect. I then found that in Greek, perfect means, “to become fully developed.” At that point, my understanding about being perfect began to become more clear. Life isn’t about living without ever missing a shot, without ever messing up, without ever hurting someone. Life is about becoming. Life’s about becoming fully developed. Most important, while we’re becoming fully developed, we will miss shots, mess up, and even hurt others.
My life’s goal needs to stop focusing on being flawless or never making a mistake. If my goal was to never miss an answer on a test or never miss a basketball shot, I was histarically far from perfect! I began to change my goal from being flawless—to becoming fully developed.
With the new description, I’ve gained a visual image of becoming perfect. Perfection is like my grandma Veibell with her Polaroid camera. At my baptism, her magical Polaroid camera took my picture and slowly pushed out a special filmed paper. I then watched eagerly, and even fanned it as my image began to appear. I waited anxiously until it was fully developed.
I loved to watch grandma’s photographs develop. As I watched a photo develop, there were times I felt it was fully developed and my much more experienced Grandma would say, “It’s getting closer.” Finally, when I seem to have given up on it, it was fully developed—it was perfect! (If you’ve not seen a Polaroid photograph developing, you may enjoy watching this https://youtu.be/8JbPF79KtYE.) As a child, watching Grandma’s Polaroid photos developing was truly an amazing magical experience.
Christ Becomes Perfect
Even Christ wasn’t perfect (fully developed) until he’d risen to His Father in Heaven. In the New Testament he tells the people to “Be ye therefore perfect...as your Father in Heaven” (Matthew 5:48). In the Americas, after his resurrection, he stated, “Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect” (3 Nephi 12:48).
I love how Christ states it in third Nephi. If I can insert the Greek for further clarification, it would say, “Therefore I would that ye should become fully developed even as I, or your Father who is in heaven has become fully developed.” Please forgive me for changing the scriptures, but this helps me to better understand what I feel is the Savior’s intent.
With a better understanding of my need to be perfect (fully developed), I began to see myself more clearly. I could begin to face my own sins and weaknesses. After recognizing and admitting my sins, flaws, and mistakes, I began to think more about repentance.
Recognizing My Sins:
With my toxic perfectionism, I had tried to convince myself that repentance was only for those other “evil” people who had “sinned.” The Bible dictionary corrects another flawed thought of mine, “repentance is not optional for salvation; it is a commandment of God.” Because I tried so hard to convince myself that my mistakes and sins were because of others or not really mine, thinking of myself as a one who sins, and one who’s in need of repentance, has taken a lot of time and inner struggle.
Now, I’m recognizing my sins and my need to repent. As I see my need to repent, the Bible dictionary adds comfort, “The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.”
As a perfectionist, I feel comfort in that quote. I’m beginning to do something right, I’m beginning to change my mind, beginning to recognize my sins, I’m seeing people more as they truly are (not blaming them for my mistakes). Most importantly I’m recognizing the need of the Savior in my life.
Repenting:
Now that I recognize my need for repentance, how do I repent? As a child, I saw it as a list. Here’s my understanding of what I was taught:
- Recognize I’ve done something wrong
- Regret, or feel bad about it
- Repair the damage
- Resolve to never do it again
A Struggle—It Takes Time
As a perfectionist considers these steps, I think to myself, “I can take these simple four steps and then go on living an unflawed life.” As I actually attempt to repent, using this 4-step process, I’m noticing that some of my sins have become part of my life. It’s almost like they’ve intertwined themselves so deeply into my being, that I can’t seem to pull them out.
An Example
While there are many examples of this in my life, I’ll share one example that others have probably seen very clearly in me. When I fear angry comments or hurtful words are pointed at me, I often strike back with anger and use my powerful skill for spouting hurtful words with precision. These can be very painful and are designed to strike a blow with finality. These angry & hurtful words spew forth naturally and quickly (like vomit) especially when I’m hungry or tired. I hate to say this, but this flaw has almost become who I am.
Back to the 4-step process, even after resolving to never do it again, I’ve repeated the same mistakes over and over again. It’s almost like these reactions are me. How do I ever reach the point that I can remove them from my habitually skilled brain?
To make matters worse, this is just one example of my many sins which have found their way inside of me. Some of my sins are nearly as habitual as brushing my teeth (I always begin on the same side of the mouth and don’t even think about). I hardly even think about these habitual sins, they just happen. Perhaps the Bible dictionary explains my need for Christ’s atonement best, as it states, “man loses control over his own will and becomes the slave of sin.”
The need for a surgeon
The way to overcome my sins requires help. Like a cancer that has entwined itself within an organ takes a very skilled surgeon to remove the offending illness, these sins that have become part of who I am, requires the surgical skills of my Savior. He alone can remove these from me. As I turn my will to his and trust him, he will help me and remove them from me. So far, as the Savior has been working His miracles, I’m seeing slow progress. Sometimes I relapse and turn like a dog to my vomit. I know that Christ can heal me. I believe that he is healing me and helping me become fully developed.
Keep Turning
As I’m approaching half-a-century of life, I’ve probably lived most of my life—and I’m still struggling to get away from sin’s grasp. I need the enabling power of Christ’s atonement. I also need to keep turning to Him. I must also do all that I can, such as noticing when I’m getting hungry and eat before I say mean things. I need to always keep vigil, as a guard on a tower, watching for a situation arising where I might say hurtful words and control myself before voicing my vicious vomit.
For those who know me, it’s clear that I’m still sinning regularly. My flaws are obvious. It’s painful each time I hear great leaders who encourage us to ask our spouse, or others who are close to us, to share things we’re needing to improve upon. This is difficult for me because I already see so many of my own weaknesses that I don’t feel I can bare to learn of more. Hopefully the day will come when I’ve made such great progress that I need others to point out additional weaknesses that I’m not yet aware of.
As I work through this, with the Savior’s help, I also am noticing the importance of time. It took years to entwine some of these sins into my life and they have been there for decades. It may also take years to remove these sins and re-train myself to act and react differently. The key is the Savior is helping me and he will help me become fully developed, as I keep repenting and turning to him. He truly stands at the door and knocks and as I keep opening to Him, He helps me. His plan continues in my life and He will help me (if I allow him) to make me fully developed—perfect.
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